and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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