when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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