we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
