Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
