This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
