Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
