I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
