The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
