drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
