We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
