Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
