I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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