my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Too much gin, very little bucket
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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