All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
