I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
