The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I checked into jail on foursquare
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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