just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You can't special order awesome
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
