Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
