You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
