He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
