Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
