I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
