Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Everclear isn't food dammit
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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