She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
