the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
