you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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