Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
