Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize