The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
