just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
