Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
