The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
