I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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