So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
