just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
