Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
This house was built for laser tag.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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