Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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