This is not my ceiling
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
