I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
