peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
