What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
