I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We just shotgunned beers for America
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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