the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
