I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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