i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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