Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
