I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
