So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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