Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
