im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
