i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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