Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I met the friendliest cop last night
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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