She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
