My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize