The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
