I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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